Lechon Paksiw

While having lunch, a colleague suddenly threw a question:

Ano ung pagkain nyo nung time na mahirap kayo?
What do you eat during the lowest (poorest) time of your life? (tama ba?) 

At that moment, natigilan ako... napaisip and somehow yes, nagbalik ala ala yung darkest, saddest times of my family. 

One answered: mantika at asin sa kanin...  (cooking oil and salt mixed in rice) 

While another one is asin...  (salt) 

I wasn't able to respond. I just answered them with a smile as I remember what it was... 

One commented: Mayaman kasi to kaya wala siyang ganyang experience... 

I reacted and said of course not... we were also poor and went through down moments. 

However, I don't have memories of not having food at the table despite all the hardships that our family went through.

I remember seeing my mother mixing sugar on rice; maybe those were the times when we do not have enough; however she carried the burden alone and never allowed us to suffer. Her lame excuse was that she doesn't want the food...

Onwards and Upwards

Hello 2015!

I am looking forward to the bestest year ever...

I have my first-7-days reasons why:

01 Jan is FAMILY | This is the best place anyone can be... when we are with family.

After 7 years, I was able to celebrate New Year at home with all the "rounded" fruits on the table, colorful fireworks, loud firecrackers and a happy noisy extended family.

Bathroom Diaries

Yesterday, I had a really interesting bathroom conversations with different people; its not new, but its refreshing...  

"I'm soooo done with this. How can people be so inconsiderate?" - My colleague suddenly burst out her emotions while we were in the toilet to freshen up before the start of day... I looked at her and ask: What happened?

I Wish I Don't Have To Go To Work

I admit, those words came out from my mouth this morning; just as the other mornings, especially these days that bed-weather makes waking up a bit harder...

The gloomy light, the morning breeze and the cold water.... brrrr. My bed screams "come back to meee!"

Who's not guilty?

Rejoice!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! — Philippians 4:4

Rejoicing is easy when everything else are falling into places. 
But how can we practice Philippians 4:4 when things are broken into pieces? 

There are many commandments in the Bible that was given to us as a guide for a true Christian living. Romans 12 is a good example of the guidelines that we can use. We also have the Love one another verse in John 13. 

Compared to those not-so-easy-to-achieve-commands, Rejoice in the Lord always, seems less complicated to obey.

Yeah. IT SEEMS...

The Adventure Begins

Yey! Just a day after my 32nd birthday, my adventure begun...

In the morning of June 5, my left ear started to hear a buzzing sound. In a spun of 2 hours, it seems like I'm totally deaf. I can no longer hear anything from that side... it seems blocked and felt numb.
Gradually, I felt the imbalance while I walk, dizziness follows, until I started to throw up...
It was after lunch when vomiting took over... when I couldn't  fight any longer, I mentioned it to my colleague who immediately rushed me to the hospital.

My suffering continues, countless times of throwing up... I was so anxious, totally weak during those times at the emergency room. Everything is spinning, faster than you can ever imagine. The doctor said it is Vertigo.


Vertigo /ˈvɜː(ɹ)tɨɡoʊ/ (from the Latin vertō "a whirling or spinning movement" is a subtype of dizziness, where there is a feeling of motion when one is stationary.The symptoms are due to an asymmetric dysfunction of the vestibular system in the inner ear. It is often associated with nausea and vomiting as well as a balance disorder, causing difficulties standing or walking. 

This sickness is very familiar to me, as my Nanay have the same... but I never knew and understand how hard and difficult it was, until I experienced it.  At that time in the ER, I suddenly remember how she suffers, and that memory gave me the strength to fight. Her prayers were louder than the buzzing sound in my ear.

After the medicine took effect, the doctor refer me to an EENT as she said it has something to do with my ear...

Yesterday, I went to see the EENT specialist... and he confirmed the Vertigo and an infection on my left inner ear. He sent me to an audiologist to undergo an audio gram. That confirmed my hearing loss. The doctor mentioned that my left ear is very weak at this moment. He will try but he cannot guarantee a complete healing. I need to undergo a 10-day medication before we proceed to the next step.

He will try and we will wait... without the guarantee that I will regain my hearing.

One of my colleague asked how am I coping...

Yesterday, upon hearing the diagnosis, in all honestly, I felt shocked, but never terrified. I know that I have a big God and this is just one of the test of faith and I will survive... looking forward to His wonderful work in my life.

But on my emotional side, I also felt afraid... not for myself but for my responsibilities. Can I still work? How can I help my family? I have responsibilities to our church ministry, and a big part of that is video editing wherein hearing is crucial... how can I continue to listen to His Word, when I am not capable of hearing?

But above all my worries, God spoke to me, my heart hears louder than my ears...
I just have to be still and know He is God.
Our God who heals... Our God who make all things possible. With Him, I am safe.

In the midst of this not so good situation, God's love embraced me tightly. He never let me feel alone... He sent His love through my colleague, Hana, who brought me to the hospital and  never leave my side. My best friend Erika who's taking care of me just like how my Nanay will do... Nhyit who looks after me. My brother Ernan who extends his support and love. And to all of my friends and family who keeps on praying for my recovery... With all these love, there is no room for pain, sorrow and fear...

As what I have said when I started the Chapter 32 of my life...
I will submit to His will and surrender fully to my God.
With or without hearing, I will give glory to His name.

PSALM 103: 1-5

¹ Praise the Lord, my soul; 
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins 
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion, 
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Another Summer Passed...

It's a lovely day out there! Bright sunny day with cool breeze of winter wind.
Summer is finally over... just as quick as October.
Time runs fast; I have counted several summers here in UAE and have waited with enthusiasm for winters. This transition is significant for me. If you have noticed, I have written few blogs about this, annually -- when its almost winter.

What makes this time remarkable for me?
I guess, being in the Middle East, knowing that you are in the desert, having experience the heat of summer and have survived it,  makes this time an extra special above the other phases.

During this time, it feels good to look back few months back... while you are covering yourself from the sun and the hot wind that blows on your face. The feeling of survival and victory that you have overcome the scorching heat of summer.

This year, blazing wind blew several times... I know its not only me, but many of us had a searing summer.

I Miss You

It's been one and a half month since you read something from me.
I am sorry for the gap... for the silence.

The past 45 days was not dull nor empty that there was nothing to write...
Instead, it was a very hectic 45 days for me that might equal to 90 days to others.
Most of the time, my 24 hours was never enough for one day and it usually ends with another day.

I may be as busy as a bee... but I was never been this happy.

I had several experiences that I should share...
I have compiled them in my mind and in my heart. The lessons that I learned, the people that I met, the moments and the experiences... you can read them all in the coming days.

For now, I want to tell you that I really do miss you.
Its been a week that I have this passionate desire to say something again here in my blog... To open my dashboard and write.
In the past week, I felt guilty for not fulfilling my commitment of sharing something to you.

I know I am not oblige.

My Cup and The Bread

 

One dose a day... at least?!?

Since I chose to stay healthy... I tried to have (as much as possible) only one cup a day. Though there are times that I took two -- one at night with friends. Compared to almost 7 + cups before... maximum of 2 cups is a breakthrough in my healthy lifestyle :) 

Chocolates on October

October was another roller coaster month for me!
It was fast and had many loops... high and low days... straight and curved...

As I was browsing over my desk planner, I noticed many red marks and sad faces on it... many things happened... and those are NOT just ordinary incidents...
Now, I realized that its not just another roller coaster ride with thrill and excitement.

But October is indeed a month of surprises.
A box of chocolate...

hOUR Glass

In this world, we were moved by our ambitions of who we want to become, what we wanted to have and how we can achieve it. We also planned where it should happen and when the time is.

We spent our lives trying so hard to accomplish things on our own ways... our mind never stops thinking on how well we can be and how beautiful life can become...

But more often, we missed THAT MOMENT without realizing that it already passed -- when we already lived with our dreams... because we are so busy looking forward to something better.

A for Effort

Few days back, I wasn't sure if I was just experiencing another 'holiday hang-over' -- but that was not the first time that I felt bored at work... it's all over my head and I felt that I do not want to create another job nor talk to anyone regarding work again.

I missed the thrill... the excitement in coming to the office everyday.
Everything seems monotonous... numbers and computation irritates me... not to mention some people who I felt were insatiable and so insensitive. I know it was alarming -- because I started to hate my job :(

I somehow felt depressed... but I have to drag myself to go to work. There are days when I will just sit and stumble at the net, replying only to urgent matters... the rest of the jobs... I just ignore them. My self-esteem was so low... thinking that this is not the job for me...

Everything changed after one phone conversation that I had with my Ninang.

Unbonded

I'm intact... or just 'I thought' I was?

It's the 12th day of Ramadan...
the silence and boredom here in the office is killing me!
it should be fun... less work load and less working hours.
plus the benefit of still eating during break (hidden of course) just makes it greater...
and what could be the best than not having a boss at all :)

but then, again... I miss the stress.
I miss cramming.
I miss the last minute and 'wait for a minute' call to the service driver informing him that 'Hey, I'm coming!'
I miss the 'OK, well take the 2nd trip... I still have to finish something...'
and I miss the "wattaday' scene here in the office...

What are you wearing today?

When was the last time you visited the mall?
Have you seen the lastest collection from your favorite boutique, or you already had one?

Red tags and signages are all around the malls here in Dubai as the end of the Dubai Shopping Festival... finishing all the stocks before the launching of the new collection...

In the fancy world where I move, with the walking manequins that I can see everyday with the most expensive bags and shoes that they wear... it makes me think whether these people get satisfied ever, with what they have?

Here in the office, while walking along corridor, some people will look at you as if they are security officer checking whether you have bombs under your shirt... or as if they are computing your 'value' for what you have, from head to foot.

Meeting My Momay

Oh my... Momay! :)

FYI: Momay is Philippine TV's version of Casper.

Every night when I reach home, she hugs me tight...

Yes! and that  keeps all my hair up until midnight!

When I kiss our babies, Macs, Tiqueng, Riqqa and Dyoni, I am aware of her sweet kisses too...

I can feel her presence somewhere in our little home that is "only for two".

Admittedly... I am  afraid of ghost! For the reason that they are GHOSTS!!! and who is not, by the way?

I don't know if they really exist...

But I had few encounters with them. I am aware that 'its them' or 'they're it'...

Recently, I shared with you my drama of being HOME alone but not lonely...

I can actually give an excellent grade for myself because I know that I have achieved my goal... Until now, this experience is teaching me a lot and I am enjoying it, everyday... I am growing... :)

Back to Momay...

HOME ALONE but not lonely...

Let me borrow that famous line...

One of my many fears that I am trying to overcome is to be home alone.

Yes. At 30, I still can't sleep alone...
I have strong imagination... Tik-Tak of clock is like a musical scoring in a horror movie... Darkness is like thick clouds where ghosts hide, and in a snap, they will run (or maybe float) towards me. My feet should be covered; otherwise, something or someone will pull me through my feet and bring me under the bed!!!
I am sooo afraid of ghost!
Aside from sleeping, another dilemma is that I don't know how to cook.
I can fry. I can saute...but then what's next? :-)

A Whole New World

For most of us, the start of the year is the best time to initiate changes within... we write and compose our  New Year's resolutions, set new goals, and redefine our own purposes.

It ignites the fire of our determination to move forward and look beyond... and see new opportunities to live life to the fullest...

Rekindling our passions and establishing our aspirations...

This is New Year... jumps start for a better us.

Yearly, we are listing new resolutions. How long are those? Have we accomplished anything from that list? Did we quit our bad habits and begun to live happier? Do we feel better now?

Yes, there is the whole 2010 to look forward for our improvement. But before we know it, it's the year end again... we don't have forever... there is so little time!
Weeks will pass unnoticed and the pages of our calendar will be cleared sooner than we think...
And in the end, our life is just the same...

We cannot waste time on doing less important things... failures should never be our reason to stop dreaming. Trials were given for us to keep on fighting, and feel the sweet victory in the end... because we are not here to lose.

There are so many marvelous things to enjoy.
God has created a wonderful world and He wants us to experience it...
We should leave the shadow of darkness and negative thoughts that holds us from enjoying this beautiful life. Why are we going to deprive ourselves?

Now is the best time to think things over. We may never have the same opportunity again...
If there are things to be settled, fix it today.
You want to change some bad behavior, do something.
Aren't you happy with your work? Start to rediscover your passion.
Have you hurt someone's feelings? Express your apology.
Have you failed to remind your loved ones how much you love them? Say it now.
Do you wish to travel somewhere? Finalize it.

There are things that we do only once in our lifetime... conversations that will take place only once. Encounters with some people that will only happen one time, and many opportunities will pass our way only once...

Just don't delay.
We don't have to wait for another New Year's Eve to reflect...
Act now and start building a whole new world :)

"Walk in the way your God has commanded you,

so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess."

Deuteronomy 5:33

Moving Forward

What we call the beginning is often the end.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

THE END IS WHERE WE START FROM.

-T.S. Eliot

This week ended a phase in my life and started another.

I moved again from my 'comfort zone'.

For my 2 years of staying in Dubai, enjoying the -2-blocks-away-from-the-office, huge malls everywhere, world best blah blah blah and having all friends around... I turned my back on this 'expensive lifestyle' and will be having simpler life in another Emirate, which is Sharjah.

There are many reasons, and one of those is to keep focus on my goal of saving more and spending less :) Staying here in the luxurious city of Dubai means wasting more years away from my family.

Now, I have a better place, without any other person to share and free transport provided by company. What more could I ask for?

Though it means goodbye to the worlds bestssssss... it is saying hello to a another lifestyle!

Aside from my new place, next month, we will also welcome our new boss!

And as the saying goes, "every beginning is a consequence... every beginning ends some thing."

For this, I must admit that it is harder to let go.

Anxiety attacked me when I first heard the news... I am lucky with my boss. I am grateful for all the things I learned from him.

Letting go will pave way to new experiences with another person. I have to move forward and welcome the new boss, gain new knowledge and learn different style... I don't wish that he/she will be better, but atleast, just the same...

Starting this week... I will embrace new challenges that will surely add something to ME. New experiences and adventure that will make my life more fun and meaningful :)

After all, life is not just about beginnings and endings, as it is about going on... and on... and on...

Embarrassed

I had several "embarrassing moments" in my life...
Bloopers that can be compiled or added to funny komiks!

But the three most embarrassing are my conveys with my nephew, Derick...

The first one happened about 6 months ago... when I was talking with him, after his operation (when he had a motorcycle accident).
I can clearly recall how I cried, every time I hear his voice, the pain, the fear that I had while he was in the hospital...
And there was this one time that right after one of his operations, he was conscious when they brought him out from the OR. My mother told me that I can talk to him, and so I did...

Me: How are you? Are you in pain?
Him: I am fine, Tita. I am numb... they injected anesthesia...
Then I started crying...
and he said: Don't cry, I am fine... I already prayed...

He is just 10 years old and lying on that hospital bed...

The second incident happened maybe just a month after the first. He was already home, on the stage of recovery, we were chatting... then he stopped and told me that the driver of the motorbike and his father were there to talk to my parents and brother...

I was 4,297 miles away from home, but when I knew that the man who almost took my nephew's future and brought problem to my family was there... I wished that I can fly and reach home at that moment to slap his face and get vengeance for what he does.

And when Derick was back online... I asked him:

Me: What happened? Are they gone?
Him: Yes, they left already. They talked.
Me: Are you Ok? How did you feel upon seeing that guy?
Him: Nothing.
Me: Are you angry?
Him: No. It was an accident.

He was still healing then, and the wounds were still fresh.

The third happened just yesterday... still online as we were chatting.
He told me that he will finish his assignments first, and will just buzz me when he's done.
After like three hours, he went back and gave a buzz...

Him: Hello! Sorry, it took me so long. I fell asleep because I was so annoyed!
Me: Why? What happened?
Him: Because Eca (his sister) threw a slipper and hit my head.
Me: Oh! Maybe it was an accident.
Him: Yes, it was...

Then he told me that he will try one game online, and will buzz me again after...
I know he was not OK.
If that happened to me, I'm sure my brother and I will fight...

After some time, I buzzed him:
Me: Are you mad at Eca?
Him: No. It's fine. There is nothing I can do.

I know that my nephew look up to me. We are so close. Everyday, he gives me a buzz to say Hi. To remind me not to miss a meal or to have a rest once in a while. He will send audible hugs and kisses at times that I am busy. And never ashame of telling me that he loves and misses me.

Yet he don't know that there are many things that I learned from him.
All this time, I know that my faith can move mountains... yet his can't only move but can transform mountains..
I know how to forgive, but it will take me some time to do that. There are people that I didn't greeted for years... yet for him, the guy who hit him and gave so much pain physically and emotionally was easily forgiven.
And the sibling fight... for me, I won't let it pass without doing the same... yet he knows that he needs to be more patient to them.

If I sounded like a proud tita... well, maybe I am.
And I'm thankful that his parents... and grandparents... and tita :) raised him well.
I am praying that those traits that I admire won't change, as he grow up...

"Train a child in the way he should go, & when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

I've Got Nothing!

I am tired...

I am weak...

I am worn...

I am a struggler...

I am a sinner...

I am a child...

I am human...

I have questions...

I have fears...

I have temptations...

I have pride...

I am self-concious...

I am selfish...

at times, I am a mess..

I cry out to you, Lord and I confess that i have nothing!

As my cries goes silent, I hear you say...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 5:3

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Your grace is sufficient for me, O Lord...

I may be lacking many things.

I may not be knowlegable in many ways...

Yet, You have come to rescue me.

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord." - Romans 8:28-39

I was saved by Your love.

Strengthen by Your mercy.

I have nothing, yet, with my faith in You...

"I can do everything, through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13

Lord, I have nothing! But when I stop, listen & hear your voice...

I realize that I have You & You know me.

That's all I need.