Stand Firm

Last week, our church celebrated its 16th year of standing firm in faith, united in doing the mission of God. It was victorious. The program runs smoothly, the message was very clear on the presentations, the Word of God was delivered with great impact by the guest pastor, and more importantly, many visitors took the step of faith and accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Indeed, our labor is not in vain.

And as expected, the enemy will work double time to destruct us. We cannot expect them to simply sit and watch us as we celebrate.

The System is Down!

This is what I just heard from the accounts and finance room. So now, at 4PM today, they are on siesta... actually, we were on siesta :)
There are not much work these days and people still has the so called 'holiday hang-over'! Plus the fact that it's weekend again... no body is in the mood to work any more!

Yet, despite of the less stress week, people seems restless and tired.
They walk as if they are racing. They talk in high pitch. Most were so focused on their computers as if they are answering some mathematical equation...

Sadly, we were used to being in motion at all times that we tend to forget to pause for a while. Even when there are opportunity to sit back and relax, we chose to keep ourselves busy.

SSNHL Episode

Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss.

After seeing 3 ENT Specialist, 2 Otolaryngologists, a Neurologist, an Internist and a Dentist;  I was diagnosed to have SSNHL.
To those of you who are like me that just heard about this, you can click the link and check; that was what actually happened to me. I have also shared with you my personal experience when The Adventure Begins, with the initial diagnosis from ENT here in Dubai, before we headed to Manila as I was Listening With One Ear.

My audio gram : PTA 0.00

God is a Great Fixer

FOR YOU WHO WONDERS IF YOU'VE PLAYED TOO LONG TO CHANGE, TAKE COURAGE FROM JACOB'S LEGACY. NO MAN IS TOO BAD FOR GOD. TO TRANSFORM A RIVERBOAT GAMBLER INTO A MAN OF FAITH WOULD BE NO EASY TASK. BUT FOR GOD, IT WAS ALL IN A NIGHT'S WORK.  - Max Lucado

I am a sinner... and we all are.
I have God... and we all have.
I accepted Him as a Lord of Savior of my life... have you?

People who knew me atleast 5 years ago can testify how much I've changed.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... this isn't me few years back.

My life is a mess, and I have made several decisions that made it worst... wrong moves, wrong choices, wrong motives, wrong beliefs... until I quit.

Who needs a break?

Few minutes ago, I felt so tired and restless...
I needed a break.

I first thought of making a chai but I didn't find my mug in the pantry, so I erased the tea break on my mind.
I walk along the corridor and went to toilet to freshen up.
Ate was there... the Filipina cleaner.

As I was washing my hands, I took a deep breath and sigh - "Hay kapagod!"
Suddenly, Ate said in a very calm voice, "Sinong mas pagod sa atin?"

Boom!!!

It took me a while before I finally find the right words to say..."Oo nga po, kayo maghapon ng naglilinis. Masakit na po kasi mata ko sa harap ng computer."
Ate said, "Nakakapagod din ung mag isip ano? Pero malaki naman ang bayad sa inyo, sulit naman."

In few seconds, all the weariness that I felt seems to escape from me... crawling away from my complaining body, not wanting to hear another word from Ate's sad and frustrating story.

A for Effort

Few days back, I wasn't sure if I was just experiencing another 'holiday hang-over' -- but that was not the first time that I felt bored at work... it's all over my head and I felt that I do not want to create another job nor talk to anyone regarding work again.

I missed the thrill... the excitement in coming to the office everyday.
Everything seems monotonous... numbers and computation irritates me... not to mention some people who I felt were insatiable and so insensitive. I know it was alarming -- because I started to hate my job :(

I somehow felt depressed... but I have to drag myself to go to work. There are days when I will just sit and stumble at the net, replying only to urgent matters... the rest of the jobs... I just ignore them. My self-esteem was so low... thinking that this is not the job for me...

Everything changed after one phone conversation that I had with my Ninang.

Wrap Up

Have you noticed how quick August passed?
Today is the last for this month, while the rest were history.

Personally, this month was somehow memorable to me.
Being with my Nanay and Tatay until the10th day made it extra special. Happiness Overload! Every second was so valuable; as my tita said, it's priceless...

The 11th was the start of Ramadan, and since I am in a Muslim country and most of people are fasting, it is a general rule that the working hours were shortened from 8 to 6 :-) Aside from the 2 hours extra, work load was near to nothing... there were only few jobs to be done on this season...

Unbonded

I'm intact... or just 'I thought' I was?

It's the 12th day of Ramadan...
the silence and boredom here in the office is killing me!
it should be fun... less work load and less working hours.
plus the benefit of still eating during break (hidden of course) just makes it greater...
and what could be the best than not having a boss at all :)

but then, again... I miss the stress.
I miss cramming.
I miss the last minute and 'wait for a minute' call to the service driver informing him that 'Hey, I'm coming!'
I miss the 'OK, well take the 2nd trip... I still have to finish something...'
and I miss the "wattaday' scene here in the office...

HOME ALONE but not lonely...

Let me borrow that famous line...

One of my many fears that I am trying to overcome is to be home alone.

Yes. At 30, I still can't sleep alone...
I have strong imagination... Tik-Tak of clock is like a musical scoring in a horror movie... Darkness is like thick clouds where ghosts hide, and in a snap, they will run (or maybe float) towards me. My feet should be covered; otherwise, something or someone will pull me through my feet and bring me under the bed!!!
I am sooo afraid of ghost!
Aside from sleeping, another dilemma is that I don't know how to cook.
I can fry. I can saute...but then what's next? :-)

Alone and Lonely

There are days when suddenly, we just feel sad...

I usually call it sad tuesday... this is my lonely moment;

days when my emotions are down... when loneliness embraces me;

Feeling alone or being a loner.

there is a big difference between the two... feeling and being!

maybe, most of the time, I am on the being; having to enjoy a minute on my own.

they said that people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges...

admittedly, there are times that I belong to that group of people.

but I know that being alone doesn't make me lonely.

I believe that only those people who doesn't know theirselves are lonely.

I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength, because no one else can give it to me. Sometimes, it is very lonely, but I know the lonely times teach me the most.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Some Good Things Never Lasts

"When times are good, be happy;

but when times are bad, consider:

God has made the one as well as the other,

therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future."

Ecclesiastes 7:14

maybe most of us have notice that after happy days comes sorrow...
there are times that you can't breathe anymore because of laughing, and times when you can't because of pain.
days when you were so inspired to do things, yet there were also some couch potato days...
moments of victory, and defeat.
feelings of being inlove, and falling out of love...

this is life... it has ups and downs.
its normal.
we encounter these every single day.

but still, we struggle when the changes comes.
we were never ready, often caught off guard as the gear shifts.
and most often, we feel left behind.
but in reality, we are not.

its just another phase. or maybe, a storm along the way.
wherein we should learn to move with the wind...
and sail confidently amidst the wave...

if it will be smooth sailing all the time...
we can never call it a life.
and if we give up on the trials...
we will never know the essence of life.

you will not stay in the dark room forever and the light will also fade.
we can never know what will come after the dark or until when this light will be bright.

Some good things never lasts, and so with the bad.

Just hang on!
Live life, in the best, possible way that you can!
Tomorrow is a surprise… no one can tell what it will be like :)

I've Got Nothing!

I am tired...

I am weak...

I am worn...

I am a struggler...

I am a sinner...

I am a child...

I am human...

I have questions...

I have fears...

I have temptations...

I have pride...

I am self-concious...

I am selfish...

at times, I am a mess..

I cry out to you, Lord and I confess that i have nothing!

As my cries goes silent, I hear you say...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 5:3

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Your grace is sufficient for me, O Lord...

I may be lacking many things.

I may not be knowlegable in many ways...

Yet, You have come to rescue me.

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord." - Romans 8:28-39

I was saved by Your love.

Strengthen by Your mercy.

I have nothing, yet, with my faith in You...

"I can do everything, through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13

Lord, I have nothing! But when I stop, listen & hear your voice...

I realize that I have You & You know me.

That's all I need.

sad tuesday 2

its another sad tuesday.
almost the end of the day... office i mean... yet i cant still figure out what to say.

there are a lot of topics playing on my mind... lot of stories to share from my vacation... also have some realizations that i want to share, about life, about love, about money and about happiness. but nothing really comes out from me.

its 10 minutes before the clock ticks 6PM, most people left already for the Dubai lynx, including our director...
i have all the time to write... i'm doing it... but i dont know what will be my next sentence.

i am not in the mood to write... or rather, i would say, not inspired to write.
yes! that's the word!!!

last night, i got this message from a friend:
"i'm leaving on a jetplane... dont know when i'll be back again."
yes! you can sing if you want to...
but for me, that made me sad.

the sender is my BLOG MENTOR. the person who pushed me to open this account. he guided me all the way and gave me all the technical and moral support that i needed.
he introduced me to the cyberworld :) twitter, SU, Digg, Wordpress... what is SEO, RSS Feeds, Adsense, yes, basically, everything.

we are chatting everyday, yet we only met once - just recently when he accompanied me to Philippine Embassy...

the thing is, his company was affected by the financial crisis...
and there is no other choice for now.

this is the reality...
nothing is secured.
this crisis hits everybody around the world.
it might be in different ways, but yes, we were all affected.

for me, i have learned that nothing really belongs to you materially.
in a snap or blink, all that you possesed may turn into dust.

its good that we have God. that we have faith. hope. love.
these wont be included in the debit notes...
banks cannot take it away...

everyday, i thank God that i still have my job.
that i still have my family and friends.
and that im still alive.

for in this world, we will never be secured.
but with God's love, we dont need to be afraid.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes old of your right hand & says to you, do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

wooohhwww!
something came out :) yes! i already have a post, now!
_____
to you... i cannot offer any help for now, except my prayers.
'til we meet again! ingat :)

missing spark

i wonder why things change even if you dont want to.

why love seems to fade, even if you never wished to.

why good things turns out bad, and bad suddenly turns out good???

why can't we control this changes, when we are the ones who decide...

we are the one who chooses, yet we sometimes, we end up choosing something that we dont prefer.

why can't we handle our emotions, when in fact we are the one in charge with it.

we are conscious that its happening... yet we tend to ignore it.

how can we solve problems, if we dont want to face it?

why do we tend to let things passed, unresolved?

sometimes, its all right in front of you, yet you disregard the situation...

why is compromise seems so difficult to find these days?

why is it hard to apologize from the heart when its the only way?

is giving up the only answer to these questions?

what else can we do, if we dont want to find solution?

is it too much to ask for your attention?

what if im no longer longing for your affection?

when all that we can see is each others mistake

is it still worth it or we really need a break?

until when do we have to suffer?

what if this is too much to bear?

why do we need to sacrifice when it seems useless anymore?

how can we lit the light when there is no more spark?

maybe lets just leave all the shadow while its not too much dark.

stress free - miss stress

can we call her, miss stress?
my soon-to-be mom again friend who was... (you know the story)

why miss stress? because she was... before.
ofcourse, who cant be streessed in that situation?
maybe some will be more than that!

and it is the unique characteristic of her...
being stressed is normal... a lot of things annoys her...
and since its normal... its easier to handle...
she dont want to be stressed forever, so she'll let it go.

we are having conversation again.
but i was so surprised.
after 3 days... she is no longer the bitterness - miss stress!
i am now talking with stress free - miss stress!!!

i am happy to know that she is healing.
she is still in pain, but she knows that she shouldnt be stucked there for long.
she was very angry. she wanted revenge. but after entertaining the feeling, she stopped. who wants to be mad forever? who wants to keep the bitterness???

Revenge never heals a wound. it will just prolong the agony...

she wanted to forgive the 'ex'...
i know this will need a longer time.
for now, she can only forget. and that is a good start... a quick start actually!!!
how? she was sticking in her mind that 'ex' is gone... he is now resting in peace :) so that she wont expect that one day he will come back, because he wont.

she is letting go. quite fast? i know!
but that is her. she is miss stress!
and that is one thing that we, her friends, admire about her...

she accepted it. everything WAS over.

she was never that strong woman as you think she is...
she is weak... fragile... delicate.
but she is a woman of strength...
her faith, above all else keeps her going.

she knows that God will provide. (that is her shoutout on her friendster profile)
He who gives you the day will also give the things necessary for the day!
she might not have anything but we all know that this faith will give her everything...

in four months time, her baby will be born.
the source of her hope.
she knows that all this pain will end as soon as she see arrives...
and i believe everybody agrees to that!

and, she has kept her goals.
despite of all the stress and bitterness...
she managed to be focus.
she knows the reason why she needs to go on.
a decent living for her children. and she is dedicated to that!

i never knew her as a God fearing person.
she dont go to church... she is not even sure of her religion...
but she knows how to pray...
and she believes that our prayers are answered not when we are given what we asked, but when we are challeged to be what we can be...
she was challenged & she accepted it.

she is in the middle of this battle & her only weapon to survive is the little faith that is in her heart to keep the stress away!

seeking relief

i am feeling tired today. i dont know why.
i was trying to think of the reasons...
maybe, this is just one of my mood swings.

i just came back from a smoke break, went outside the building.
i've seen several birds flying freely in the air.
as if searching for something or looking for someone...

they move without restraint.
they go wherever they want... they are soaring high!

"wish i was a bird?" hahaha...
sometimes.

i envied their freedom - their moves.
as if nothing else matters when they fly.
and the best part is... they know the way home afterwards.

these are my stock photos, taken last summer.

i dont know if what im feeling is really jealousy.

but at some point, i know we all should be... (not just me)

temptation. decision. revelation.

we are weak because we are human.
an excuse for all the flaws in our decisions...

when we are tempted... we always try to resists.
and it is always better to try.
but the best is not to dig in.

i read something about temptation from the daily heartlight message... it struck me. because i am also human, and temptation is all around.

the writer of heartlight says -
in the face of temptation, God promised 2 things:

1. a way out
the power of resistance... the ability to fight over ones weak point.
have the authority to act, instead of react...

2. the power to stand up under trial
the will to survive. the strength to fight...
as they say: It is not in never falling... but rising everytime we fall.

"prevention is better than cure and experience is the best teacher..."

which is easier? which is better?

He also said & I quote:
"Character is produced both by refusing to give into temptation and also refusing to give up during the challenges for remaining faithful."

God is faithful,

He gives us the will power to decide,
the wisdom to choose between good and evil.

now...

it is our choice, that show WHAT we truly are.

what if no what ifs?

just like box of chocolates... regrets also comes from different shapes and sizes.
and you'll never know what you'll gonna get :)

i have many regrets... and im sure everyone does.
i am not proud to admit that but i wont be reticent to share.

we all have to face it.
becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change...
to face unresolved sorrows and to learn to love life as it really happens...
not as you would have it happen.

it has two sides.
the things that you did and did not do.

mine usually falls on the first what if... those that i did.
what if i did not do this?
how can one decision flip my life in a 360 degree turns?

but i also have some on the things that i didnt.
what if i listened to them?
or what if i followed my heart?

i once entertained the painful feeling of regrets... and i hated it.
self pity kills me... the depression sucks.

they say that there are no regrets in life, just lessons...
but to regret deeply for me, is to live afresh.
to be awakend. to move out from life's perfect expectations.
to leave the shadow of sadness - the legacy of the past.

what ifs in life are not something to be ashamed of. having those doesnt makes you less of a person... beside, it adds up.

it molds you.

struggles are exactly what we need in our life. if we were to go through life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as we could have been...

do not be afraid to take risks...
life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

avoiding what ifs is like sitting on the bench without even trying to shoot the ball.
not even knowing how great player you could have been.

what ifs will always be what ifs... unless you do what your heart tells you.

accept the pain.
cherish the joys.
resolve what ifs...

then you can say:
"if i had my life to live again... id do it all the same time."